Ryan: The mayo in the fridge I put on my sandwich
Ryan: had an expiration date of 10/18/09
Ryan: so I believe that is a sign
Ryan: that our honeymoon will be
Ryan: like mayonnaise

… and I giggled.

I’ve been “sick” for a while now.

But I still don’t know what’s wrong. Over the last three or four months, I’ve spent somewhere over a thousand dollars and have had about five different diagnoses, and I still don’t know that any of them are right. Here’s the story.

I’d been having pretty severe stomach problems and strong fatigue, which has been a problem off and on for the last decade. I went to a doctor on campus back in, oh, April of this year; she told me “You’re stressed. Do some yoga. Stop taking so many vitamins. And eat lots of spinach.”

Okay… Well, I tried it and this isn’t really helping. I think I’ll get a second opinion.

“Sounds like your gallbladder. We’ll do some tests.”

Wheee.

“The tests were negative, but I’m really sure it’s your gallbladder, so we’ll do another scan.”

Must we?

“Oh, your gallbladder is just fine. That means you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Take Metamucil everyday.”

No luck. Could it be a wheat allergy? I have a lot of those symptoms.

“Sure, we’ll test you for celiac disease.”

Isn’t that something a little different? No? Pretty sure it is.

“You don’t have celiac. Take even more Metamucil every day.”

But I ate a donut and my throat swelled up. What’s that about?

“OMG you has teh wheat allergy. Here’s an Epi-Pen. Don’t eat wheat anymore or you will die.”

Yikes.

Oh hey, my stomach is all better now but I’m still really tired all the time.

“Gosh, your tonsils block your airway when you lie down. You have sleep apnea and we’ll do a sleep study and then you’ll have surgery.”

Just what I always wanted, to be videotaped sleeping with more wires than you’ll see in a hacker movie attached to my face.

“Your sleep study is normal. Are you stressed? What? Your parents are divorcing? Well, that means you’re really depressed and urgently need to see a psychologist. Your mom does too, really bad. Also, you should try to be nice your dad, because he’s going through a lot right now. Here is a prescription for Prozac. If that doesn’t work we’ll put you on amphetamine stimulants. Take more vitamins. Also, don’t gain any weight. And I’m glad you haven’t tried to hurt yourself.”

… wait, whaaa? Excuse me?

Put yourself in my shoes for the last three years and then try to tell me about my parents and who needs to see a psychologist.

ANYWAY.

So I ate two hamburgers for dinner. With the buns. FULL OF WHEAT. So far, no allergic or otherwise adverse reactions. Also they did not make me sad. Or block my airway. All I can think is that Dr House would’ve figured this out in an hour and insulted me less than I’ve been insulted this week.

NO MORE DOCTORS. I refuse.

… Unless the doctor in question is Dr. House, and then I will happily take the abuse.

[edit] By the way, I’m not filling the prescription, but I am going to meet with a psychologist. We’ll see how that goes. [/edit]

10. Irritability

Ryan and I tend to be good-natured on the whole, but the last few days in particular have been really tough. We can attribute part of it to the fact that until we move in together this summer, we have two kitchens, and rather than keeping them both stocked, we ferry groceries back and forth on an almost daily basis. Part of it comes from feeling hungry all the time, something that the Atkin’s books promises goes away after about three days. We’re on Day 10, and so far? We’re still hungry. And certainly, it’s boring. Ryan never wants to see egg salad again. I personally have had more bacon in the last week and a half than I’ve had in the last year or so. I would commit murder for an orange.

9. Appetite swings

As mentioned above, we always feel hungry, even though we are scarfing down protein like there’s no tomorrow. Except the last few days,  during which I haven’t wanted to eat anything. None. Zip. Zilch. Maybe a cup of broth. The delightful mini-egg-and-spinach quiches we made? No thanks. Salad? Heck no? Bacon? No, no, no, and no. My lack of desire to eat definitely causes Reason Number 3, dizziness.

8. Severely limited food options

Pasta? Out. Potatoes? Out. Carrots? Out. Fruit? Alas, out. Cookies? Good heavens, those are out. What can we have? Salad. With water. And enough meat and eggs to clog an elephant’s arteries. Luckily we can still drink small glasses of wine. We’d be stark raving mad without it. Sometimes I’m stark raving mad with it.

7. Cost

Our grocery bill for one week was at least equal to what we normally spend on nearly a month’s worth of groceries. When you aren’t buying chicken, steak, or fish, you generally pay a lot less.

6. Can’t eat out

Want fast food? Your options are generally burgers, burgers, tacos, and… burgers. While meat is A-Okay, the buns and tortillas are not. And let’s face it… throwing away a perfectly good bun is like throwing away your money.

5. … but cooking is no fun

Ryan and I LOVE to cook together. It’s as much a bonding time for us as it is mealtime. Being vegetarian, we experimented with lots of options, and generally liked those options. Being on Atkins? See Reason 8. Not much cooking involved in throwing together a salad. Nor is there much romance in the same damn egg salad salad night after night.

4. Clothes don’t fit

I know, I know. The whole point is to lose weight, right? Well, yes. However, I just realized that losing another five pounds will mean I have a closet full of tents. And since we have a wedding and may be buying a house in the foreseeable future, guess what my self-imposed clothing budget is right now? You guessed it. $0.00. Good thing I’m learning to sew. Maybe I can take in my shirts without anyone noticing. The wedding dress, though… that’s a different story. I may have to have it altered after all.

3. Lethargy, dizziness, palpitations, nausea

I actually missed a day of work yesterday, because I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. Every muscle hurt. My appetite was gone. My head hurt fiercely. And I was cranky beyond belief. Sleeping all day did help, but now that I’m back at work, I am still having a lot of trouble with light-headedness. I know I get anemic, and I’ve been careful about my iron supplements, but I shouldn’t have to eat every hour to stay alert, especially since I’m dealing with Reason 9.

2. Planning

We generally enjoy grocery shopping. Not so lately. Because of Reason 8, our grocery lists have been pretty limited, yet costly. Plus, we’ve been trying to cook for the week ahead on Sunday evenings, and cooking multiple meals at once stresses me out more than I care to admit. And the whole two-kitchen issue makes it pretty tough to fix lunch for the next day if the ingredients are in the other fridge. Today I brought Ryan’s lunch with me, and he came over to fetch it, for that very reason. Normally I’m a little more with it than that.

1. No ice cream!

And lastly, the number one reason why dieting sucks: No ice cream. NONE. And boy do we love us some ice cream. Then again, maybe that’s part of why we’re dieting in the first place.

Wrap-Up

To be fair, Atkins works really well for some people. I didn’t have nearly the frustration with it six years ago that I am now. All I know is, yes I’m losing weight, which is nice, but you know what I am really looking forward to?

My first post-Atkins orange.

1. The posted speed limit is merely a suggestion. To determine your personal speed limit, select the appropriate option:

• If you are over the age of 65, your personal speed limit is 20 mph. This is true no matter what road you are traveling.
• If you drive a pickup truck, modify the posted speed limit as follows:
  • Add five mph per extra wheel. Dually pickups therefore may add 10 mph.
  • Add five mph if your vehicle is a diesel.
  • Add 10 mph if your chassis is raised and your tires are oversized.
  • Add 10 mph if you have a gun rack. You will receive 25 bonus mph for each visible firearm.
• Heavily modified compact cars may drive at whatever speed they wish. Try to find the speed at which it presents the most inconvenience to drivers of those boring, factory-model cars, and then speed up and slow down to annoy them.
• Everyone else may add 10 mph to the posted speed limit.

2. If you are not talking on your cell phone, messing with your MP3 player, cooking oatmeal, AND applying makeup while driving, you aren’t making good use of your time.

3. When turning, make sure to slow down as much as possible. In fact, if you can contrive to come to a complete stop, even better. This is especially important when turning left in a busy intersection, as the people behind you cannot possibly wish to turn left while they have a green arrow.

4. When turning across traffic, wait as long as possible before turning in front of the oncoming vehicles. This keeps them on their toes, and gives them a reason to test both their brakes and their horns.

5. In multiple lane roads, if a vehicle wishes to change lanes to pass a slower vehicle, make sure to drive up in the lane next to it and then match speed. The driver probably doesn’t realize he or she has her turn signal on.

5a. When passing a slower vehicle, leave as little room as possible between you and them. There is no good reason for this other than “everyone else does it”.

6. Multiple lane roads are really extra-wide one-lane roads. Feel free to drive in both lanes.

7. If traffic is heavy and you wish to turn left, use the turn lane to drive around cars in the lanes. It isn’t necessary to follow the markings that show where you may merge to turn left. If there is no turn lane, it is acceptable to drive in the oncoming lane. Those drivers will be happy to wait while you use their lane.

8. If you have been waiting to turn left on a yield light and the light turns red, you are allowed to turn anyway and delay normal traffic flow, since it is ridiculous that you would be expected to wait your turn for more than one traffic cycle.

9. If you have been waiting at a red light and it turns green, be sure to wait a full minute before moving forward in case someone enters the intersection.

10. Bonus! In a parking lot, always block the aisle with your vehicle while you wait for the person who is just now loading their groceries or entering their vehicle to vacate their parking spot. Other drivers like waiting for you to get out of the way. It gives them time to catch up on their e-books.